Stopped in My Tracks

We have been waiting for so long and now, the waiting seems to be coming to an end...not without a little more waiting, though!

We have been waiting for the call on a job that Jeff would really like to get hired for.  He went to interview down in Florida early this week and as he left, they said they'd be in touch late in the week or early next week at the latest.

For the past two days, I have been on the edge of my seat....waiting....hoping....praying for the call, wondering just when it would happen!  I actually got myself all worked up about it.  I am not an anxious person by nature but I feel like I'm livin' on the edge of my seat here!  In fact, one of my Facebook status' this week read:  "I feel like I'm waiting for labor to start.  It could happen at any time!  Impatiently excited."

That statement pretty much sums up how I've been feeling all week.  If you're a mom, you know what I'm talking about.  You wait and wait until that 9th month, you wait for the due date, and then....it passes by.  And you think, "Gosh, I could go at any time!"  But you don't know when.  You just have to wait.  No control over it, no certainty for plans, and somehow, you end up with every expectation and no expectations all at the same time.  (I really hope you can agree with me here and that I'm not the only one who has felt like this!)

As we (I) continued to wait, I felt doubt sneaking in.  Jeff has been so positive, so certain that he will get this job.  He truly feels that this is where the Lord wants him and he's going with it!  His certainty is contagious, and yes, I would love to have my husband working for this type of company so I do want to believe he'll get chosen.  But those nagging doubts started to fill my head over the past few days, telling me that this might be a cruel joke of some sort.

Can I tell you how thankful I am for a personal God who shook me in my flip-flops tonight and whispered right to my heart?  He said,

"Kelly, I want the very best for you and Jeff.  There is goodness in the waiting.  I already know what the outcome is, and I'm already there.  I've made a path for Jeff and it's a good one, no matter which job he will be in.  I am there.  Remember?"

And I stood there--in disbelief--that I would ever even begin to doubt, ever even remotely wonder that God's plan might not be the best for us!  How could I so easily be shaken by those minuscule doubts when I stand on the ROCK, when I am a child of the I AM?

My heart whispered back.

"Oh.  Yes.  I do remember.  You are God who loves me, who wants my family to prosper and not to be harmed.  You plan good things for us, You have brought us down this road not for torture or to be teased but to be pruned, to be sharpened.  You are with me and You go before me.  You are my Hope.  I remember now.  Thank You."

So thankful, so very thankful tonight for a gentle, kindhearted Father who speaks to me even when I don't think He's listening.

Renewed

The thing I like most about knowing God is knowing that He is not far from me.  On any given day, in any given condition that I find myself in, He is there.  Nothing is a surprise to Him!  And though it may look like there isn't anything going on, the reality is that something is always going on.  There is so much more going on than meets the eye.


Take Spring, for example.  We all love it when the weather warms up, the birds start to sing, the trees start to bud.  But, a few weeks or months before these events take place, the earth is a dark, cold, seemingly barren land.  Frigid white snow covers the ground, drowning out any life below that might be brave enough to emerge too soon.  The trees are naked, stripped down to the branch, not a sign of life on them.  Usually, the sound of ice crunching under foot is the only sound of nature that can be heard.


At first glance, one would think that all is gone.  It's over! Nothing is happening whatsoever.


But wait.  
The snow melts, revealing tiny blades of grass that get greener by the day.  Trees start to welcome birds who've flown home from milder climates.  They sing happily and delight us with their springtime melodies while tiny buds appear and will soon turn into fragrant, colorful blooms, and then wonderfully shading leaves.  Flowers start to push up through the ground, looking for warmth, for light from the sun, which stays around a little longer each day.  


Life!  


This beauty was there all along, even when we couldn't see it.  When it was hidden with the cold, when the darkness threatened to dim the last flicker of light remaining, new life sprung forth.


I liken this analogy to our current situation.  Nothing has changed since my last post.  Jeff still does not have a job; we continue to wait and trust.  And hope.  


On the days where I felt that nothing was happening, things weren't ever going to change, and life as I knew it was being snuffed out of me, there was still that last flicker of hope.


Hope of what may come--What may be just around the corner.  
Hope that I am not alone.  
Hope that there is something going on, even if I can't see it.
Hope that beauty will come with our Spring.

There is Comfort in the Pit

The weight of the world was on my shoulders.  Or so it felt.  There was nothing that anyone could say or do, short of prayer, that could help make me feel better.  It was just one of those days.

You know what I'm talking about.

Those days...those days where you can't see beyond right where you are at that moment.  No light for the next step, no encouraging moment or word that helps to lessen the load.  Nothing seemed to break me from the dreariness that wanted to overwhelm my soul.  I was nearing the bottom of the pit.

I snuck down to the basement with the phone in my hand so that I could be alone. I was crying even before she said, "Hello?"

There is just something about a girlfriend who knows what you need even before you do, whether to be silent or speak, what to say or not to say, how to love on you even from 300 miles away.  There is comfort in a companion like this.

I poured my soul out on her, and she didn't miss a beat.  Comfort.  I bared it all, beauty and ugly, all of it.  No judging, no questions asked.  Comfort.  She prayed.  Comfort.


As the night wore on and my spirits lifted a bit, I found the most comfort in this truth:

There is no pit so deep, that God is not deeper still.

He knows when we'll reach the end of our rope.  And yet, He's already there!
He knows our needs.  He's already got them covered.
He knows my fears.  He speaks Truth to me despite them.
He knows Jeff's frustrations.  He meets him and helps him.
He knows our hearts, better than we know ourselves.

God knew that Jeff would become unemployed.  It doesn't worry Him.  He's already got great plans for our next step.  And even when I don't know what those plans look like, or when they'll come to fruition, I know that He is with me.

What comfort I find in that.  In Him.

Good Grief, Silent Night

-originally published on December 9, 2005

Last night was gorgeous. The snow started falling at about 9 and as the minutes went on, the flakes got bigger and it started to fall faster. We finished watching the Apprentice and Jeff went up to bed; I was a few mintues behind him, just tidying up the house so that it's done in the morning when I wake up. (I love getting up to a clean house!) I saw the spotlight on outside and when I went to turn it off, I noticed the snow. The light illuminated the snow in this picture-perfect Christmas-y way and I just had stop and enjoy it, to take it all in.

I turned off all of the lights in the house except the Christmas tree, and then I put on Mannheim Steamroller's Christmas CD, #11, Silent Night. What a song. Every year I play this song both on Christmas Eve and Christmas night to help me reflect about the year that's passed. It's the most beautiful Silent Night song I've ever heard and when I hear it, it slows my mind enough to sit and be. It's completely instrumental and at the very end, there is the sound of a wind swirling through the air, kind of signaling the change: the end of another year, the start of a new one and the wonder, fear and excitement of which that new year brings.

As I looked out my living room window, I noticed that the reflection in the window was that of our tree, glistening with white lights and ornaments. Outside the snow was falling and the air cold, but inside, there was peace and warmth. Then I saw myself in the reflection, with the tree to my left and the illuminated snow in front. Such beauty all round. It was sacred to me, all of it. As I stood there and thought about the time I've had at this address, in this house, I started to smile, and then to cry.

My first thought was to give praise to God for blessing me (and later Jeff) with this house. I can't even begin to count all of the blessings we've had here. Then my thoughts drifted to the memories that have been made here. So many wonderful memories, so many things to think about, including the awful moments I'm too ashamed to mention. "There's been so much here God, so much that You've ordained. Do I really have to go?"

I thought of how when I first found this house on my way to work, I had to sneak in to get a glimpse of it, it just seemed so perfect. The door was unlocked and the house was empty, and I ran through so fast with my heart beating in fear of someone finding me. I thought about it for two whole days, and so wished that it could be mine, that I could afford it and that they'd let me have my cat here. Once I finally got it, I came in (no longer sneaking in!) to pray in each and every room. It just seemed to normal to do that, since it was God who allowed me to have this dream. The main thing that I kept praying for was that this house would be a home, both for me and for those I love. I prayed that they'd feel welcome, comfortable as if it were their own home, and that the Lord's peace would forever flow here. God has answered that prayer. Every single person that's stepped foot in my home has felt at home. Every single one. God's presence rests here and I am so thankful that people can sense that and be comforted when they are here.

Then I thought about the various gatherings and get togethers I've hosted here. I thought about one of my best friends, Kim and how we were here the day before her wedding celebrating her and blessing her. I thought of my family celebrating Mother's Day here the day after that, and then I thought of the summer bible study we held here with young adult women from our church. We were bursting at the seams and I thought of the truth that was spoken during those 4 weeks into hearts that so desperately needed to hear it, perhaps mine needing to hear it the most. I thought of making dinners, chasing Jeff and being chased, painting rooms, sitting and watching election '04 coverage, babies who crawled on the floor, Justin the cat meowing and shedding everywhere. I thought of the fires we had in the pit and the friends who came to hang out. I thought of fights Jeff and I had and how I wished that I wasn't so stubborn. I thought of the way this house looked when I walked in last March and Jeff proposed. Candles were everywhere and he was beaming...I relieved every moment of that memory. Then my mind went to when I prepared for my own wedding, my closest friends coming here and blessing me with their advice, prayers and joy. I thought of mine and Jeff's first night here together as husband and wife, and how it was so not how I thought it would be! I laughed and grimaced and cried as my mind raced, thinking of things I thought I'd forgotten.

I looked outside and wondered, "What have you for me in Maryland, Lord? I know You're in the midst of this but what have you there for me? Will there be a home that's cozy and peaceful and warm? Will people know how You've impacted our lives and see us living for You? Will my friends know me like my friends here know me? The real me?" I thought of Jen and Katie and Louise and Kim. Kim's been gone now for 6 months, Katie's been gone a whole lot longer than that, but what about Jen and Louise? I'm leaving and can't bring them with me. I can't just stop by on my way to my sister's house to see Jen, or sit on the couch for hours upon hours talking with Louise. I won't see their faces every Sunday in church and our 3 weeks left together isn't nearly enough to accomplish all we wanted to do together! "Why God? Jen and I were going to be pregnant together, remember? And Louise is the mentor-friend I've always wanted, honest and wise and silly too. Can't they come too, Lord?" No Kelly, this is for you, I heard. I continued, "Why should I leave my Mom now when she's just about to retire and we'd have lots more time together, and what about when I have children? I want her to be there with me. And my Dad, God, he doesn't know You yet, I have more work to do! Can't we wait?"

The song kept playing, the snow kept falling, and I finally let myself grieve the losses that are about to come. It felt so good to cry hard about these things. My heart was open to feeling the pain and hearing what God was whispering to me in our silence, but I just couldn't decipher it all. It was too much and all I could do was sob with the precious memories floating in my head, all mixed up with gratitude and loss.

"Silent night, holy night. All is calm, all is bright. Round yon Virgin Mother and Child, Holy Infant so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace, Sleep in heavenly peace..."

I wrote this post a few years ago. Jeff and I were very newly married, preparing to pack up and move to Maryland 2 days after Christmas.

As I re-read it tonight, I am comforted that although there was much unknown then, as there is now, we serve a God who knows all things, and works for our good and His glory.

No matter how dark the nights may seem, joy comes in the morning.

Get Your Tissues Out

Read this:

Then, count your blessings. 

Finally, remember that this life is not the end, but just the beginning.  The Goodness is coming.

Learning the Secret

Philippians 4:12 (New International Version)

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

The Message:

I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.

Though I am way behind on posting (and there is much to post about!), I thought I'd leave 2008 with a topic that has been close to my heart all year long:

Contentment.

In this crazy stuff-obsessed world, it's hard to focus on what we have now, and be thankful for it. We always want more, think we need more, try to get more, when in actuality, we get along just fine with what we have.  

I freely admit that wanting more is a struggle for me.  And if it's not for you, then I'd love to talk to you and find out the secret you're keeping from the rest of us.  

The things that top my wants list are:

-a bigger, more beautiful house

-my own car

-more furniture (to put where? I do not know, yet I still want more!)

-more decorations (echo the above side note)

-new clothes

-new shoes

-new accessories (even though I do not accessorize much since having children)

-more time (not a tangible thing, but a want nonetheless)

I could keep listing things but you get the idea.  I want more.  Bigger, better, newer.  Gimme it all.

And yet, when I take a step back and really assess things, I find that I don't need any more than I've already got.

I have a beautiful house, and though it is small and needs updating, God Himself provided it for me and my budding family for this season of our lives.  Why should I want anything else?

I have a car when I need it, and for right now it's working out OK.

Since I have a small house, I have no room for more furniture or decorations.  I've got what I need here, and I get compliments all the time on how cozy my house feels.  I must be doing something right.

I am clothed daily, and if you notice otherwise, please quietly take me aside and get me some help.  :)  I may not have the latest wardrobe or the cutest new accessories, and my 3 pairs, yes you read that right, 3 pairs of shoes have been keeping my feet dry just fine for the past few years.  I'm doing OK.  And when I'm in the size I want to be (which is a whole 'nother contentment issue!) and my feet stop growing during pregnancies, then I'll go shopping.  And I'll tell you right now, I'm gonna love every minute of it.

For now, though, I'm OK.  I've got everything I need.  And, if I really have my game face on for the day, I'm quick to realize that having everything I want doesn't mean I'll be happier, wiser or even totally content.  It just means, frankly, that I'll have more stuff.

To sum up for 2008, I've got it all.  I really do.  A husband who adores me, 2 healthy, fun and stinkin' cute kids, friends who accept me at my best and worst, family who loves me, a warm house, food to eat, clothes to wear, and even some sparkly jewels are among my list of haves. But the best thing I could ever have, and am so undeserving of, is a Savior who loves me beyond what I deserve, and who walks with me every single day of my life.  He gives me what I need, what I want--in His timing, and hope for the future.  

In 2009, I want to rest in that.

Here's to a new year of learning the secret of being content, whatever the circumstances.

Philippians 4:8 (New International Version):

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:8 (The Message):

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

"Trust Me."

7ish in the morning, I wake with a sense of purpose for the day. I have a dentist appointment and some other errands to run, so I'm up and at 'em early so that I can get on the road on time.

Jeff lay sprawled out on our bed, breathing deeply and soundly. Jak is in his room, and I tiptoe around the bedroom into the hallway so as not to wake him.

My heart beats fast because I don't know what the next few minutes will bring.

I am nervous. Excited. Impatient.

My cycles were normal up to this point. Now I'm late. I have to take this test, this test that I've put out of my mind for over a week because I couldn't believe that we could be at this point already. I scramble around for it in the drawer, again trying not to wake my boys. I do not want Jeff to know until I know. I can't believe I've even kept it from him thus far.

I pee. I sit. I wait. I watch.

Two lines.

TWO LINES.

Oh my gosh, what are we going to do?! I smile at the wall, now knowing that there is another life inside of me, knowing that my inkling has become a reality, knowing that God has blessed us again without us even asking. Then, the tears come.

Am I really doing this? I am crying because I'm pregnant? What is wrong with me? I have dreamed all my life for these moments, moments in the stillness knowing that I am going to be a Mother. I can't believe I am crying!

These are not tears of joy. They are tears of fear.

What are we going to do? We aren't even sure where we are going to live, what Jeff is going to do with his job, what our goals are for next year! I haven't lost weight yet, I still want to get healthier before another baby.

And yet, I am excited in the midst of the fear tears.

I hear Jak stirring in the next room. Still in shock, I glance at the test and hide it away before Jeff sees it. I have to figure out how I'm going to tell him.

Jak is up, talking away, ready for me to greet him.

I leave the shade closed, the light off. I pick him up, my sweet, smiling boy. Mmm, you smell so good. Ok, I can do this again. He smiles at me. I whisper to him that he is going to be a big brother. The first to know after me. He smiles again. I hold him tight. My sweet baby boy.

We begin our routine: down the stairs and into the kitchen for milk, then into his seat for breakfast. I wander around aimlessly. It is over half an hour before I actually get him something to eat. I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. This thought consumes me.

7:36 am I call my friend. I tell her through the fear tears, and she reassures me that God has ordained this moment, and He is in control. All I need to know is that there is a baby being created in my womb. He'll work out the details of all of my questions.

Jeff comes downstairs, greets us and sits for breakfast. I am quiet. Too quiet, I think, but he doesn't notice. Maybe he just thinks that I'm tired.

Still uncertain of how I will tell him, I decide that I will wait until Sunday to tell him, once he is back from his trip. That will give me a few days to let it sink in, and come up with a thoughtful way to share the news. I can do this. I can wait. And if I wait, then I can also pray that he'll be delighted and not scared like me. I can pray for God to prepare his heart in these next few days.

10ish am I am pregnant. I am pregnant. I am pregnant. It's the only thought running through my head. I smile and nod when spoken to, and I offer Jak some toys so that I don't look completely out of it in front of Jeff. I must not tell him yet. What if he's upset? Not ready? Afraid of the uncertainty surrounding us, like I am?

He speaks of his upcoming trip and asks me a question. Silence. He asks again. "What, honey?, I say." He asks again. "I'm pregnant."

I stand and wait. He looks at me from his seat, glances at my belly, looks up at me again and smiles one of the biggest smiles I've ever seen. He jumps from his seat, takes 2 steps to where I am, and says, "Really?!" "Yes."

I wait.

He takes me quickly in his arms and gives me a tight hug. I cry. I am relieved. I am overwhelmed. I am elated. The fear tears are gone and have been replaced with tears of pure joy, because we are having another child, because my husband is exactly the man that I need, exactly the man that I want. We are blessed. I am blessed.

I ask him my questions. I tell him my fears. He assures me that everything will be fine, it will all work out. I believe him. I trust him. I am so happy that I couldn't hold it in, because his reaction was exactly what I needed, and God knew that. He had prepared Jeff's heart before I could even pray about it, but He also prepared mine, if only I'd have stopped fretting.

"Trust Me, Kelly. Trust Me.", He echoed in my soul.

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My sweet baby boy is 4 months old today. It was 1 year ago today that I found out he was coming.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." -Psalm 28:7