Today.

Today I woke up feeling pretty good, despite the terrible cold we've all been fighting for a few days now.  The sun was brightly shining-which is a rare occurrence in this part of the country during winter, and we all got a good night's rest.  Don't you feel so good when you wake up feeling rested?  I do.

Though I woke late and we had to shove breakfast down the boys' throats rush the boys morning routine, I was excited for a few things.  

Today Jak was heading to school (he missed it on Tuesday), I was heading to my beloved bible study with dear friends, Jeff had an interview and I was picking up a rug that I got for a steal of a deal on Craigslist.  I know, I know, you're thinking "why is she spending money when her husband is unemployed?"  It's ok, it was some extra money that I earned, no, make that John earned, when he toy tested for Fisher-Price.  Should I have saved it?  Probably.  But YOU go for months and months and months on a bare bones budget and tell me you're going to save that extra few bucks that you weren't counting on!  Go ahead, try it!  I bet you'll find something that you just have to have.  :)

Ok, so I was feeling pretty good.  The sunshine does wonderful things to my spirits.  Driving down the road, my thoughts were consumed with how good life is.  

Then I got to my bible study.

There, we were informed that one of our friends' sons was taken to the hospital for respiratory problems the day before.  He is 15 months old.  As we listened and talked about what she might be experiencing as a Mom, watching her little guy lay on the bed, sedated with a ventilator down his throat, my heart sank.

The doctors didn't know anything.  Not what it was, how he got it, how long it'll be around, what will happen next.  She has no time frame as to when he'll get better.  She can't touch him because he responds to her and fights the sedation.  How, tell me how, can a mother not touch the very son she gave life to as he lays before her?  I cringe every time I think of that.  I just cannot imagine...

We ended up skipping our study and focused on prayer for our friend, and figuring out how to help and serve her and her family during this time.  They have 2 other little boys older than Michael that happened to get the stomach flu later that day.  This was truly a family in need of God's healing touch.

When I gathered my boys from preschool (Jak) and playtime (John), we came home and settled in for lunch and naps.  My thoughts haven't strayed far from Aimee and her family.  My prayers are just a part of many that go before our Father on their behalf, the Healer extraordinaire.  We trust that He knows what's going on, and will heal little Michael's body.

Today, I held my boys a little tighter.  I held them a little longer.  I gave thanks to God for their health, rather than taking it for granted.  I kissed them more, I played with them more.  I was reminded of the precious gift that life is, in every. single. moment.

Today.  It's a gift.

Another Giveaway!

I have been wanting one of these for a very long time!  Here's to hoping I win!!!!!!!!

There is Comfort in the Pit

The weight of the world was on my shoulders.  Or so it felt.  There was nothing that anyone could say or do, short of prayer, that could help make me feel better.  It was just one of those days.

You know what I'm talking about.

Those days...those days where you can't see beyond right where you are at that moment.  No light for the next step, no encouraging moment or word that helps to lessen the load.  Nothing seemed to break me from the dreariness that wanted to overwhelm my soul.  I was nearing the bottom of the pit.

I snuck down to the basement with the phone in my hand so that I could be alone. I was crying even before she said, "Hello?"

There is just something about a girlfriend who knows what you need even before you do, whether to be silent or speak, what to say or not to say, how to love on you even from 300 miles away.  There is comfort in a companion like this.

I poured my soul out on her, and she didn't miss a beat.  Comfort.  I bared it all, beauty and ugly, all of it.  No judging, no questions asked.  Comfort.  She prayed.  Comfort.


As the night wore on and my spirits lifted a bit, I found the most comfort in this truth:

There is no pit so deep, that God is not deeper still.

He knows when we'll reach the end of our rope.  And yet, He's already there!
He knows our needs.  He's already got them covered.
He knows my fears.  He speaks Truth to me despite them.
He knows Jeff's frustrations.  He meets him and helps him.
He knows our hearts, better than we know ourselves.

God knew that Jeff would become unemployed.  It doesn't worry Him.  He's already got great plans for our next step.  And even when I don't know what those plans look like, or when they'll come to fruition, I know that He is with me.

What comfort I find in that.  In Him.

Wanna flirt?

With your husband, of course!

Here is a giveaway that I'm linking up to so check it out, add your comments to Sarah Mae's page, and perhaps you'll be a winner!

:)

Twenty Ten

Hello!

I am so excited to be writing again! It would seem that my best intentions fall to the wayside when it comes to my little corner of the Internet world. It's not that I don't want to write, on the contrary I do very much want to write!

But I haven't made the time.

Until now.

I know, I know. I've said it before. However, I am really going to try to be intentional about this blog of mine. I love it so. And I love my readers (if you're still reading). I love your comments, I love your own blogs, I love love love the blog world and I want to be a part of it!

Writing is so very good for my soul and along with doing more of it this year, I'm praying about how God would use this gift he's given me for His purposes. I'm excited about the things I feel He may be placing on my heart!

I'm also excited about some other things that I'm tackling this year. Here's a very concise list:

1) Weight. Finally.

2) A consistent morning Quiet Time. Finally.

3) Regular prayer journaling.

4) Encouraging my husband more with my words.

6) Being more of a 'floor mom' with my kids.

7) Making time to write.

8) Doing things as they come, instead of letting them pile up. (An example might putting pictures in my frames...)

9) Meal Planning. Finally.

I'm sure I am forgetting a few things, but as you can see, many of my goals for 2010 (and the rest of my life) deal with self-control. Unfortunately, I lack much of it!

When I tell my son that he needs self-control, I realize that he isn't the only one. When he is quick to point the finger at someone else or when he can't reign in his emotions, I see myself.

When I look to food to fill me up, I see my need for it. When I look in the mirror, I see what lack of self-control has done. When I try to fill my self with things (literally or figuratively) to make me happy, I fail, and again I am faced with my desperate need for this important character quality.

I notice my lack of it when my words are quick with my husband. Before the last word hits my lips, I wince; it's too late. The pain sears my heart as I understand how much words can build or break a person and if only I had controlled my self and my tongue....

At the end of the day, it's not my lack of self-control that I notice most. I think we can all agree that we have to work on this, it's not a given. But what I do notice most as my head hits the pillow and I think over the days' ups and downs is my dire need of a Savior. I'm thankful that I can rely on Him to help me with these changes. They are big ones, ones that I want to make for a lifetime, ones that I want to instill in my children.

Well, there's my list with a little dose of honesty on the side. Here's to 2010! May it be one that teaches us all a bit more about our "selfs". :)

Good Grief, Silent Night

-originally published on December 9, 2005

Last night was gorgeous. The snow started falling at about 9 and as the minutes went on, the flakes got bigger and it started to fall faster. We finished watching the Apprentice and Jeff went up to bed; I was a few mintues behind him, just tidying up the house so that it's done in the morning when I wake up. (I love getting up to a clean house!) I saw the spotlight on outside and when I went to turn it off, I noticed the snow. The light illuminated the snow in this picture-perfect Christmas-y way and I just had stop and enjoy it, to take it all in.

I turned off all of the lights in the house except the Christmas tree, and then I put on Mannheim Steamroller's Christmas CD, #11, Silent Night. What a song. Every year I play this song both on Christmas Eve and Christmas night to help me reflect about the year that's passed. It's the most beautiful Silent Night song I've ever heard and when I hear it, it slows my mind enough to sit and be. It's completely instrumental and at the very end, there is the sound of a wind swirling through the air, kind of signaling the change: the end of another year, the start of a new one and the wonder, fear and excitement of which that new year brings.

As I looked out my living room window, I noticed that the reflection in the window was that of our tree, glistening with white lights and ornaments. Outside the snow was falling and the air cold, but inside, there was peace and warmth. Then I saw myself in the reflection, with the tree to my left and the illuminated snow in front. Such beauty all round. It was sacred to me, all of it. As I stood there and thought about the time I've had at this address, in this house, I started to smile, and then to cry.

My first thought was to give praise to God for blessing me (and later Jeff) with this house. I can't even begin to count all of the blessings we've had here. Then my thoughts drifted to the memories that have been made here. So many wonderful memories, so many things to think about, including the awful moments I'm too ashamed to mention. "There's been so much here God, so much that You've ordained. Do I really have to go?"

I thought of how when I first found this house on my way to work, I had to sneak in to get a glimpse of it, it just seemed so perfect. The door was unlocked and the house was empty, and I ran through so fast with my heart beating in fear of someone finding me. I thought about it for two whole days, and so wished that it could be mine, that I could afford it and that they'd let me have my cat here. Once I finally got it, I came in (no longer sneaking in!) to pray in each and every room. It just seemed to normal to do that, since it was God who allowed me to have this dream. The main thing that I kept praying for was that this house would be a home, both for me and for those I love. I prayed that they'd feel welcome, comfortable as if it were their own home, and that the Lord's peace would forever flow here. God has answered that prayer. Every single person that's stepped foot in my home has felt at home. Every single one. God's presence rests here and I am so thankful that people can sense that and be comforted when they are here.

Then I thought about the various gatherings and get togethers I've hosted here. I thought about one of my best friends, Kim and how we were here the day before her wedding celebrating her and blessing her. I thought of my family celebrating Mother's Day here the day after that, and then I thought of the summer bible study we held here with young adult women from our church. We were bursting at the seams and I thought of the truth that was spoken during those 4 weeks into hearts that so desperately needed to hear it, perhaps mine needing to hear it the most. I thought of making dinners, chasing Jeff and being chased, painting rooms, sitting and watching election '04 coverage, babies who crawled on the floor, Justin the cat meowing and shedding everywhere. I thought of the fires we had in the pit and the friends who came to hang out. I thought of fights Jeff and I had and how I wished that I wasn't so stubborn. I thought of the way this house looked when I walked in last March and Jeff proposed. Candles were everywhere and he was beaming...I relieved every moment of that memory. Then my mind went to when I prepared for my own wedding, my closest friends coming here and blessing me with their advice, prayers and joy. I thought of mine and Jeff's first night here together as husband and wife, and how it was so not how I thought it would be! I laughed and grimaced and cried as my mind raced, thinking of things I thought I'd forgotten.

I looked outside and wondered, "What have you for me in Maryland, Lord? I know You're in the midst of this but what have you there for me? Will there be a home that's cozy and peaceful and warm? Will people know how You've impacted our lives and see us living for You? Will my friends know me like my friends here know me? The real me?" I thought of Jen and Katie and Louise and Kim. Kim's been gone now for 6 months, Katie's been gone a whole lot longer than that, but what about Jen and Louise? I'm leaving and can't bring them with me. I can't just stop by on my way to my sister's house to see Jen, or sit on the couch for hours upon hours talking with Louise. I won't see their faces every Sunday in church and our 3 weeks left together isn't nearly enough to accomplish all we wanted to do together! "Why God? Jen and I were going to be pregnant together, remember? And Louise is the mentor-friend I've always wanted, honest and wise and silly too. Can't they come too, Lord?" No Kelly, this is for you, I heard. I continued, "Why should I leave my Mom now when she's just about to retire and we'd have lots more time together, and what about when I have children? I want her to be there with me. And my Dad, God, he doesn't know You yet, I have more work to do! Can't we wait?"

The song kept playing, the snow kept falling, and I finally let myself grieve the losses that are about to come. It felt so good to cry hard about these things. My heart was open to feeling the pain and hearing what God was whispering to me in our silence, but I just couldn't decipher it all. It was too much and all I could do was sob with the precious memories floating in my head, all mixed up with gratitude and loss.

"Silent night, holy night. All is calm, all is bright. Round yon Virgin Mother and Child, Holy Infant so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace, Sleep in heavenly peace..."

I wrote this post a few years ago. Jeff and I were very newly married, preparing to pack up and move to Maryland 2 days after Christmas.

As I re-read it tonight, I am comforted that although there was much unknown then, as there is now, we serve a God who knows all things, and works for our good and His glory.

No matter how dark the nights may seem, joy comes in the morning.

If Children Could Talk...

…here is what they might say:

My hands are small; please don’t expect perfection whenever I make my bed, draw a picture, or throw a ball. My legs are short; please slow down so I can keep up with you.

My eyes have not seen the world as yours have; please let me explore safely. Don’t restrict me unnecessarily.

Housework will always be there. I’m only little for a short time-please take time to explain things to me abou tthis wonderful world, and do so willingly.

My feelings are tender; please be sensitive to my needs. Don’t nag me all day long…treat me as you would like to be treated.

I am a special gift from God; please treasure me as God intended you to do, by holding me accountable for my actions, giving me guidelines to live by, and disciplining me in a loving manner.

I need your encouragment to grow. Please go easy on the criticism; remember you can criticize the things I do without criticizing me.

Please give me the freedom to make decisions concerning myself. Permit me to fail, so that I can learn from my mistakes. Then someday I’ll be prepared to make the kind of decisions life requires of me.

Please don’t do things over for me. Somehow that makes me feel that my efforts didn’t quite measure up to your expectations. I know it’s hard, but please don’t try to compare me with my brother or my sister.

Please don’t be afraid to leave for a weekend together. Kids need vacations from parents, just as parents need vacations from kids. Besides, it’s a great way to show us kids that your marraige is very special.

-Unknown