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...please stay tuned!

We've been working on some changes over here at KnappKnotes. 

I am very excited!  

Stopped in My Tracks

We have been waiting for so long and now, the waiting seems to be coming to an end...not without a little more waiting, though!

We have been waiting for the call on a job that Jeff would really like to get hired for.  He went to interview down in Florida early this week and as he left, they said they'd be in touch late in the week or early next week at the latest.

For the past two days, I have been on the edge of my seat....waiting....hoping....praying for the call, wondering just when it would happen!  I actually got myself all worked up about it.  I am not an anxious person by nature but I feel like I'm livin' on the edge of my seat here!  In fact, one of my Facebook status' this week read:  "I feel like I'm waiting for labor to start.  It could happen at any time!  Impatiently excited."

That statement pretty much sums up how I've been feeling all week.  If you're a mom, you know what I'm talking about.  You wait and wait until that 9th month, you wait for the due date, and then....it passes by.  And you think, "Gosh, I could go at any time!"  But you don't know when.  You just have to wait.  No control over it, no certainty for plans, and somehow, you end up with every expectation and no expectations all at the same time.  (I really hope you can agree with me here and that I'm not the only one who has felt like this!)

As we (I) continued to wait, I felt doubt sneaking in.  Jeff has been so positive, so certain that he will get this job.  He truly feels that this is where the Lord wants him and he's going with it!  His certainty is contagious, and yes, I would love to have my husband working for this type of company so I do want to believe he'll get chosen.  But those nagging doubts started to fill my head over the past few days, telling me that this might be a cruel joke of some sort.

Can I tell you how thankful I am for a personal God who shook me in my flip-flops tonight and whispered right to my heart?  He said,

"Kelly, I want the very best for you and Jeff.  There is goodness in the waiting.  I already know what the outcome is, and I'm already there.  I've made a path for Jeff and it's a good one, no matter which job he will be in.  I am there.  Remember?"

And I stood there--in disbelief--that I would ever even begin to doubt, ever even remotely wonder that God's plan might not be the best for us!  How could I so easily be shaken by those minuscule doubts when I stand on the ROCK, when I am a child of the I AM?

My heart whispered back.

"Oh.  Yes.  I do remember.  You are God who loves me, who wants my family to prosper and not to be harmed.  You plan good things for us, You have brought us down this road not for torture or to be teased but to be pruned, to be sharpened.  You are with me and You go before me.  You are my Hope.  I remember now.  Thank You."

So thankful, so very thankful tonight for a gentle, kindhearted Father who speaks to me even when I don't think He's listening.

Renewed

The thing I like most about knowing God is knowing that He is not far from me.  On any given day, in any given condition that I find myself in, He is there.  Nothing is a surprise to Him!  And though it may look like there isn't anything going on, the reality is that something is always going on.  There is so much more going on than meets the eye.


Take Spring, for example.  We all love it when the weather warms up, the birds start to sing, the trees start to bud.  But, a few weeks or months before these events take place, the earth is a dark, cold, seemingly barren land.  Frigid white snow covers the ground, drowning out any life below that might be brave enough to emerge too soon.  The trees are naked, stripped down to the branch, not a sign of life on them.  Usually, the sound of ice crunching under foot is the only sound of nature that can be heard.


At first glance, one would think that all is gone.  It's over! Nothing is happening whatsoever.


But wait.  
The snow melts, revealing tiny blades of grass that get greener by the day.  Trees start to welcome birds who've flown home from milder climates.  They sing happily and delight us with their springtime melodies while tiny buds appear and will soon turn into fragrant, colorful blooms, and then wonderfully shading leaves.  Flowers start to push up through the ground, looking for warmth, for light from the sun, which stays around a little longer each day.  


Life!  


This beauty was there all along, even when we couldn't see it.  When it was hidden with the cold, when the darkness threatened to dim the last flicker of light remaining, new life sprung forth.


I liken this analogy to our current situation.  Nothing has changed since my last post.  Jeff still does not have a job; we continue to wait and trust.  And hope.  


On the days where I felt that nothing was happening, things weren't ever going to change, and life as I knew it was being snuffed out of me, there was still that last flicker of hope.


Hope of what may come--What may be just around the corner.  
Hope that I am not alone.  
Hope that there is something going on, even if I can't see it.
Hope that beauty will come with our Spring.

Getting Weary.

If you know our family, you know that my husband lost his job last year.  The scaling down of employees at his company came as a shock to us and though he didn't exactly love his job, it did provide an income.

After the realization that he was now unemployed sank in and we were able to regroup, we started to pray for direction and guidance in this new situation that we found ourselves in.  Our immediate prayer was that God would bless Jeff with a job that would be a perfect fit for him.  We didn't necessarily pray that it would be soon, but that it would be God ordained.  He knew that we would move back to WNY only to face downsizing once again, and He knew what would follow.  His Word says "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28) and we trusted that He had our best interests in mind.  Over and over, I would repeat this verse in my head, reminding myself that though this is hard, good will come out of it.

Month after month, Jeff and I would wonder about the immediate future.  Would we have enough money to meet our monthly bills, to feed our children, to get through the winter?  We also wondered if maybe that perfect fit job would come and we wouldn't have to worry about those things for very long.

With each interview that my husband eagerly went on, our hope grew and we found ourselves thinking that maybe "this was it".  We were mildly hopeful several times but inevitably, the company would choose someone who had several years' more experience.

It has now been 7.5 months and Jeff is still without a job, but not for lack of trying.  I am so proud of him and how he has handled this challenge as the provider of our family.  It's not easy for a man to be home all of the time.  And it's not easy for his wife, either.

I have supported and encouraged in the best ways I know how.  I've spent time praying, speaking words of truth and encouragement to my husband and finding comfort in God's Word.  I have sent email after email, updating so that people will know how to pray for us.  I have been patient.

And now, I am weary.

Lord, I trust You are with me, even when I can't feel it.  I trust Your plan is good, even when I don't know it.  Thank You that you are at the end of my rope.  My hope is in You.  Amen.

Juggling

I've got a bunch of blog posts swimming in my head, but not enough hours in the day to capture them all. These two precious little boys God has entrusted to my care are keeping me busy and on my toes. My littlest one is still my sweet, patient boy, but shows his temper when I try to curb his exploring. In this week alone, I've pulled him off of the table or chairs more times than I can count, removed remnants of already chewed (and swallowed?) crayons from his mouth and discovered that he likes to pump the soap dispenser while walking around the house with it.  His big brother is such an energetic one, always on the go and wanting to learn.  He's got the creative genes for sure.  Yesterday he decided that food coloring was a good idea.  When he's not dying his skin, he's having fun pestering his brother and sets me on edge some days.

I daily count the thousands of gifts I'm surrounded by and have been spending lots of time contemplating how God's been working in my (our) life.  There is so much goodness, so much to be thankful for.

A Fabulous Giveaway That I Just Had to Enter (and therefore tell you about)

I think it's about time I win something, don't you?

I keep entering various giveaways in hopes to win something from Lisa Lenoard, so maybe this is it.

I've had my heart set on this for a while.  And this.  But lookie here!  Isn't that super sweet!  And here's a new favorite.  Love it.

If you are like me and would love to win something pretty and sweet, then head on over and enter yourself!

Here's to me!  And maybe you, too!   :)

WFMW--Homemade Baby Food

It's that time of the week!

My Works For Me Wednesday helpful tip is all about making homemade baby food.

Mmm, the good stuff.

You know the kind:
-no dyes!
-no fillers!
-no chemicals!
-no preservatives!
-no artificial ingredients!

Just honest to goodness pure, nutritional food for your little one!

This stuff is a cinch to make, and once s/he gets a taste of it, your baby will thank you!

Here we go:

1.  Buy food of choice.
Aside from mashing up banana, avocado and kiwi, I've pureed pears, peaches, apples (sauce), beans, peas, squash, pumpkin, spinach, chicken and pork.  I prefer to use fresh food, but if you buy canned fruit, be sure to select the healthiest choice of fruit in juice, not sugary syrups.

The largest bowl for my food processor is a 16 cup capacity, so I used two 28 ounce cans of pears.  It was mid-winter when I made this batch, so I opted for canned instead of fresh.

2.  Put food in processor and add water if needed.
If I have to cook the food before processing (most veggies, meat), then I reserve water from the cooking process and use that so that I can utilize the nutrients that end up in the water.  In this case, the pears came with their own juice and so no water was needed. 

3.  Puree!
Depending on the type of food you are pureeing, you may need to do it in small batches or stop and stir it halfway through.

4.  Spoon out food into ice cube trays to be frozen.
I don't care how cute and fancy the baby-gadget-makers make food storage.  I'm not falling prey to their marketing schemes when I can buy an ice cube tray for $1.50 at the store and use it well after my kids have outgrown eating homemade baby food!  

5.  Freeze.
Be sure ahead of time that you have a flat, clean space in your freezer to store these trays until they are completely frozen.

6.  Store.
I prefer large ziploc type bags, so that I can fit it into the freezer wherever I have room, however I need to!  I like to label things, and the bag serves that purpose, too.  I recommend labeling the food both for what it is and when you made it.  

7.  Take Pride!
Buying jarred food isn't necessarily bad for our babies, but there is a sense of pride and accomplishment when we can prepare flavorful, nutritious foods for our children, knowing that the only thing in it is what it was intended to be, along with some homemade love.  


Disclaimer:
This is something that I enjoyed doing for both of my boys.  It wasn't a chore for me, but I realize it may be for some.  Please do not feel like a "bad mom" if you don't want to or cannot make your own baby food.  If done with joy, it can bring great pleasure and satisfaction.  If done with dread, it's not worth it.  There are many ways we all can be the moms we want to be, and if this isn't one of them, don't sweat it!  


For more Works For Me Wednesday tips, visit wearethatfamily.com!

Today.

Today I woke up feeling pretty good, despite the terrible cold we've all been fighting for a few days now.  The sun was brightly shining-which is a rare occurrence in this part of the country during winter, and we all got a good night's rest.  Don't you feel so good when you wake up feeling rested?  I do.

Though I woke late and we had to shove breakfast down the boys' throats rush the boys morning routine, I was excited for a few things.  

Today Jak was heading to school (he missed it on Tuesday), I was heading to my beloved bible study with dear friends, Jeff had an interview and I was picking up a rug that I got for a steal of a deal on Craigslist.  I know, I know, you're thinking "why is she spending money when her husband is unemployed?"  It's ok, it was some extra money that I earned, no, make that John earned, when he toy tested for Fisher-Price.  Should I have saved it?  Probably.  But YOU go for months and months and months on a bare bones budget and tell me you're going to save that extra few bucks that you weren't counting on!  Go ahead, try it!  I bet you'll find something that you just have to have.  :)

Ok, so I was feeling pretty good.  The sunshine does wonderful things to my spirits.  Driving down the road, my thoughts were consumed with how good life is.  

Then I got to my bible study.

There, we were informed that one of our friends' sons was taken to the hospital for respiratory problems the day before.  He is 15 months old.  As we listened and talked about what she might be experiencing as a Mom, watching her little guy lay on the bed, sedated with a ventilator down his throat, my heart sank.

The doctors didn't know anything.  Not what it was, how he got it, how long it'll be around, what will happen next.  She has no time frame as to when he'll get better.  She can't touch him because he responds to her and fights the sedation.  How, tell me how, can a mother not touch the very son she gave life to as he lays before her?  I cringe every time I think of that.  I just cannot imagine...

We ended up skipping our study and focused on prayer for our friend, and figuring out how to help and serve her and her family during this time.  They have 2 other little boys older than Michael that happened to get the stomach flu later that day.  This was truly a family in need of God's healing touch.

When I gathered my boys from preschool (Jak) and playtime (John), we came home and settled in for lunch and naps.  My thoughts haven't strayed far from Aimee and her family.  My prayers are just a part of many that go before our Father on their behalf, the Healer extraordinaire.  We trust that He knows what's going on, and will heal little Michael's body.

Today, I held my boys a little tighter.  I held them a little longer.  I gave thanks to God for their health, rather than taking it for granted.  I kissed them more, I played with them more.  I was reminded of the precious gift that life is, in every. single. moment.

Today.  It's a gift.

Another Giveaway!

I have been wanting one of these for a very long time!  Here's to hoping I win!!!!!!!!

There is Comfort in the Pit

The weight of the world was on my shoulders.  Or so it felt.  There was nothing that anyone could say or do, short of prayer, that could help make me feel better.  It was just one of those days.

You know what I'm talking about.

Those days...those days where you can't see beyond right where you are at that moment.  No light for the next step, no encouraging moment or word that helps to lessen the load.  Nothing seemed to break me from the dreariness that wanted to overwhelm my soul.  I was nearing the bottom of the pit.

I snuck down to the basement with the phone in my hand so that I could be alone. I was crying even before she said, "Hello?"

There is just something about a girlfriend who knows what you need even before you do, whether to be silent or speak, what to say or not to say, how to love on you even from 300 miles away.  There is comfort in a companion like this.

I poured my soul out on her, and she didn't miss a beat.  Comfort.  I bared it all, beauty and ugly, all of it.  No judging, no questions asked.  Comfort.  She prayed.  Comfort.


As the night wore on and my spirits lifted a bit, I found the most comfort in this truth:

There is no pit so deep, that God is not deeper still.

He knows when we'll reach the end of our rope.  And yet, He's already there!
He knows our needs.  He's already got them covered.
He knows my fears.  He speaks Truth to me despite them.
He knows Jeff's frustrations.  He meets him and helps him.
He knows our hearts, better than we know ourselves.

God knew that Jeff would become unemployed.  It doesn't worry Him.  He's already got great plans for our next step.  And even when I don't know what those plans look like, or when they'll come to fruition, I know that He is with me.

What comfort I find in that.  In Him.

Wanna flirt?

With your husband, of course!

Here is a giveaway that I'm linking up to so check it out, add your comments to Sarah Mae's page, and perhaps you'll be a winner!

:)

Twenty Ten

Hello!

I am so excited to be writing again! It would seem that my best intentions fall to the wayside when it comes to my little corner of the Internet world. It's not that I don't want to write, on the contrary I do very much want to write!

But I haven't made the time.

Until now.

I know, I know. I've said it before. However, I am really going to try to be intentional about this blog of mine. I love it so. And I love my readers (if you're still reading). I love your comments, I love your own blogs, I love love love the blog world and I want to be a part of it!

Writing is so very good for my soul and along with doing more of it this year, I'm praying about how God would use this gift he's given me for His purposes. I'm excited about the things I feel He may be placing on my heart!

I'm also excited about some other things that I'm tackling this year. Here's a very concise list:

1) Weight. Finally.

2) A consistent morning Quiet Time. Finally.

3) Regular prayer journaling.

4) Encouraging my husband more with my words.

6) Being more of a 'floor mom' with my kids.

7) Making time to write.

8) Doing things as they come, instead of letting them pile up. (An example might putting pictures in my frames...)

9) Meal Planning. Finally.

I'm sure I am forgetting a few things, but as you can see, many of my goals for 2010 (and the rest of my life) deal with self-control. Unfortunately, I lack much of it!

When I tell my son that he needs self-control, I realize that he isn't the only one. When he is quick to point the finger at someone else or when he can't reign in his emotions, I see myself.

When I look to food to fill me up, I see my need for it. When I look in the mirror, I see what lack of self-control has done. When I try to fill my self with things (literally or figuratively) to make me happy, I fail, and again I am faced with my desperate need for this important character quality.

I notice my lack of it when my words are quick with my husband. Before the last word hits my lips, I wince; it's too late. The pain sears my heart as I understand how much words can build or break a person and if only I had controlled my self and my tongue....

At the end of the day, it's not my lack of self-control that I notice most. I think we can all agree that we have to work on this, it's not a given. But what I do notice most as my head hits the pillow and I think over the days' ups and downs is my dire need of a Savior. I'm thankful that I can rely on Him to help me with these changes. They are big ones, ones that I want to make for a lifetime, ones that I want to instill in my children.

Well, there's my list with a little dose of honesty on the side. Here's to 2010! May it be one that teaches us all a bit more about our "selfs". :)

Good Grief, Silent Night

-originally published on December 9, 2005

Last night was gorgeous. The snow started falling at about 9 and as the minutes went on, the flakes got bigger and it started to fall faster. We finished watching the Apprentice and Jeff went up to bed; I was a few mintues behind him, just tidying up the house so that it's done in the morning when I wake up. (I love getting up to a clean house!) I saw the spotlight on outside and when I went to turn it off, I noticed the snow. The light illuminated the snow in this picture-perfect Christmas-y way and I just had stop and enjoy it, to take it all in.

I turned off all of the lights in the house except the Christmas tree, and then I put on Mannheim Steamroller's Christmas CD, #11, Silent Night. What a song. Every year I play this song both on Christmas Eve and Christmas night to help me reflect about the year that's passed. It's the most beautiful Silent Night song I've ever heard and when I hear it, it slows my mind enough to sit and be. It's completely instrumental and at the very end, there is the sound of a wind swirling through the air, kind of signaling the change: the end of another year, the start of a new one and the wonder, fear and excitement of which that new year brings.

As I looked out my living room window, I noticed that the reflection in the window was that of our tree, glistening with white lights and ornaments. Outside the snow was falling and the air cold, but inside, there was peace and warmth. Then I saw myself in the reflection, with the tree to my left and the illuminated snow in front. Such beauty all round. It was sacred to me, all of it. As I stood there and thought about the time I've had at this address, in this house, I started to smile, and then to cry.

My first thought was to give praise to God for blessing me (and later Jeff) with this house. I can't even begin to count all of the blessings we've had here. Then my thoughts drifted to the memories that have been made here. So many wonderful memories, so many things to think about, including the awful moments I'm too ashamed to mention. "There's been so much here God, so much that You've ordained. Do I really have to go?"

I thought of how when I first found this house on my way to work, I had to sneak in to get a glimpse of it, it just seemed so perfect. The door was unlocked and the house was empty, and I ran through so fast with my heart beating in fear of someone finding me. I thought about it for two whole days, and so wished that it could be mine, that I could afford it and that they'd let me have my cat here. Once I finally got it, I came in (no longer sneaking in!) to pray in each and every room. It just seemed to normal to do that, since it was God who allowed me to have this dream. The main thing that I kept praying for was that this house would be a home, both for me and for those I love. I prayed that they'd feel welcome, comfortable as if it were their own home, and that the Lord's peace would forever flow here. God has answered that prayer. Every single person that's stepped foot in my home has felt at home. Every single one. God's presence rests here and I am so thankful that people can sense that and be comforted when they are here.

Then I thought about the various gatherings and get togethers I've hosted here. I thought about one of my best friends, Kim and how we were here the day before her wedding celebrating her and blessing her. I thought of my family celebrating Mother's Day here the day after that, and then I thought of the summer bible study we held here with young adult women from our church. We were bursting at the seams and I thought of the truth that was spoken during those 4 weeks into hearts that so desperately needed to hear it, perhaps mine needing to hear it the most. I thought of making dinners, chasing Jeff and being chased, painting rooms, sitting and watching election '04 coverage, babies who crawled on the floor, Justin the cat meowing and shedding everywhere. I thought of the fires we had in the pit and the friends who came to hang out. I thought of fights Jeff and I had and how I wished that I wasn't so stubborn. I thought of the way this house looked when I walked in last March and Jeff proposed. Candles were everywhere and he was beaming...I relieved every moment of that memory. Then my mind went to when I prepared for my own wedding, my closest friends coming here and blessing me with their advice, prayers and joy. I thought of mine and Jeff's first night here together as husband and wife, and how it was so not how I thought it would be! I laughed and grimaced and cried as my mind raced, thinking of things I thought I'd forgotten.

I looked outside and wondered, "What have you for me in Maryland, Lord? I know You're in the midst of this but what have you there for me? Will there be a home that's cozy and peaceful and warm? Will people know how You've impacted our lives and see us living for You? Will my friends know me like my friends here know me? The real me?" I thought of Jen and Katie and Louise and Kim. Kim's been gone now for 6 months, Katie's been gone a whole lot longer than that, but what about Jen and Louise? I'm leaving and can't bring them with me. I can't just stop by on my way to my sister's house to see Jen, or sit on the couch for hours upon hours talking with Louise. I won't see their faces every Sunday in church and our 3 weeks left together isn't nearly enough to accomplish all we wanted to do together! "Why God? Jen and I were going to be pregnant together, remember? And Louise is the mentor-friend I've always wanted, honest and wise and silly too. Can't they come too, Lord?" No Kelly, this is for you, I heard. I continued, "Why should I leave my Mom now when she's just about to retire and we'd have lots more time together, and what about when I have children? I want her to be there with me. And my Dad, God, he doesn't know You yet, I have more work to do! Can't we wait?"

The song kept playing, the snow kept falling, and I finally let myself grieve the losses that are about to come. It felt so good to cry hard about these things. My heart was open to feeling the pain and hearing what God was whispering to me in our silence, but I just couldn't decipher it all. It was too much and all I could do was sob with the precious memories floating in my head, all mixed up with gratitude and loss.

"Silent night, holy night. All is calm, all is bright. Round yon Virgin Mother and Child, Holy Infant so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace, Sleep in heavenly peace..."

I wrote this post a few years ago. Jeff and I were very newly married, preparing to pack up and move to Maryland 2 days after Christmas.

As I re-read it tonight, I am comforted that although there was much unknown then, as there is now, we serve a God who knows all things, and works for our good and His glory.

No matter how dark the nights may seem, joy comes in the morning.

If Children Could Talk...

…here is what they might say:

My hands are small; please don’t expect perfection whenever I make my bed, draw a picture, or throw a ball. My legs are short; please slow down so I can keep up with you.

My eyes have not seen the world as yours have; please let me explore safely. Don’t restrict me unnecessarily.

Housework will always be there. I’m only little for a short time-please take time to explain things to me abou tthis wonderful world, and do so willingly.

My feelings are tender; please be sensitive to my needs. Don’t nag me all day long…treat me as you would like to be treated.

I am a special gift from God; please treasure me as God intended you to do, by holding me accountable for my actions, giving me guidelines to live by, and disciplining me in a loving manner.

I need your encouragment to grow. Please go easy on the criticism; remember you can criticize the things I do without criticizing me.

Please give me the freedom to make decisions concerning myself. Permit me to fail, so that I can learn from my mistakes. Then someday I’ll be prepared to make the kind of decisions life requires of me.

Please don’t do things over for me. Somehow that makes me feel that my efforts didn’t quite measure up to your expectations. I know it’s hard, but please don’t try to compare me with my brother or my sister.

Please don’t be afraid to leave for a weekend together. Kids need vacations from parents, just as parents need vacations from kids. Besides, it’s a great way to show us kids that your marraige is very special.

-Unknown

Michelle Frosino Cole

Yes, YOU!

Call me.

It seems you are pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations!!!

I also hear you have moved. How am I supposed to get a hold of you?? I need your #, girl!

I know you check my site a lot :) and am glad at least someone does, though I have not written in a while, so now that I've made you my Sunday post topic, you must call me!

Love,

Kelly

A Glimpse Into a Normal Day with a 2 Year Old

I had to go to an Orthopedic Dr. for a problem I've been having with my knee.  Here is the conversation that I had with Jak soon after I returned home:

Mom:  "Jak, did you miss me?"

Jak:  "Yes, I miss you Mom!"

M:  "Where did I go?"

J:  "To da docktors!"

M:  "What did I go to the doctor for?"

J:  "Your knee huwts."

M:  "And what did the doctor say?"  (Not sure why I even asked this, but now love that I did!)

J:  "No more monkeys jumpin' on the BED, Mom!"

Gotta love that kid.

You Are My Dream Come True

To My Precious Children, 

There was never a time in my entire life that I did not want to be a Mother.  As a little girl, I would daydream with my dolls, or even my first nieces, about being their Mommy, dressing them up and snuggling them close to me.  As a teen, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and my answer was without fail, a Mom.  Knowing that I needed a fallback, I went off to college to become a teacher, until of course, I became a Mother.  As a young woman, my heart wondered when my dream of marriage and babies would come true.  Many other people would scoff at the notion that I wanted to be a Mom.  Surely there was more to life than being just a Mom.  Didn't I care about my degree, wealth, a big house, vacations, nights on the town, livin' it up?

Nope.  

Nothing mattered more to me than getting married and having children, because I always believed that God made me for that purpose.  I never once doubted my desires.  And still, at 31 years of age, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was right.  My life has meaning and purpose beyond my titles as Wife and Mother, but this calling, to be your Mother, tops them all.

The day I found out about each of you was a day filled with unquenchable joy.  That God would choose me to be your Mother was entirely humbling.  That He would trust me with your life, both in and outside of the womb, was a bit scary, but again humbling and joyful nonetheless.  

I couldn't (and didn't!) wait to tell everyone about your upcoming arrival.  I couldn't wait until I could hear your heartbeat, feel your fluttery movements, and touch a round belly, knowing you were just on the other side, being formed and growing strong and healthy.

The moment I first laid eyes on you, after the long, hard work of labor was completed, I knew love like I had never known before.  As I held each one of you and caressed your tiny body, as I hushed your crying and brought you to my breast, in me arose such a fierce love...that if ever, ever your life was in jeopardy, for any reason, I would fight to the death to defend you, even if it meant the death of me.  And I would do it without thinking twice.

Because I am your Mother.

Day in and day out, we go about playing, eating, sleeping, laughing, crying, and learning together about how this Mother-Child relationship works.  Some days we nail it!  But, there are other days, days that are long and draining and I wish them to end so that I can rest my weary soul. Even then, on those difficult days, my love for you never fails.  I push forward, I press on, even when it feels like there is nothing left to give.

Because I am your Mother.

As I have the privilege of watching you grow, I want you to know that I can hardly look at you while you're doing what you do, without my eyes getting wet.  I wish that I could stop time in it's tracks, and stay in these moments forever.  

Jak, I watch how you look at the world and wonder what you're thinking about.  You are so intense and full of passion, yet are so sweet that my heart melts on a daily basis when you tell me that you "lub" me.  I stare at you while you stare out the window, taking everything in, not missing a beat.  I watch you while you play, with your long, slender fingers gently putting puzzle pieces together, or while you run your laps with such wonder around the garage, as if every lap is a new one, worthy of the hearty giggle you give when we lock eyes as you round the corner.  As I tuck you in at night and find the "cags" on each of your teddies, I marvel at how much like your Daddy you are.  Everything has to be done like it's always been done, no matter what.  No finding the "cags" before you're "cucked in", I have to wait until all the covers are on before teddies and prayers, otherwise we have to start all over again from the beginning.  And this, I'm now learning, is how you are wired.  And I'm also learning to appreciate it.

John, I think that I underestimated your sweetness when you arrived.  Every day with you brings out more sweetness than I thought possible, and at the same time you are clearly showing me you are all boy with each new discovery you master!  Your round cheeks and toothy grin send me reeling, and I love to run my fingers through your baby-fine, floppy hair.  I can't get enough of your snuggles and your giggles whenever I do something silly.  You truly are the easiest baby around.  I feel as if I didn't savor the precious time with you early on, but instead just tried to survive the days as best I could.  I'm sorry for that.  I wish that I could go back to those days, but I know I can't.  So,  I savor today.  I savor your soft skin and your baby breath and the fact that you still want me more than anything else, except maybe your bottle or Daddy if he's around.  All too soon, you will be taking those first few steps, steps of independence, steps away from me.

It's only been two and a half years since I became a Mother, so I'm still pretty new at this.  Some day, I'll be much older and you'll be adults too, and the majority of my Mothering will be behind me.  You will no longer come to me and ask "Why?", no longer need a kiss on a boo-boo, not need a bottle or to simply ask me for some fishies. There will be no tiny arms squeezing my neck or tired boys sitting on my lap at the end of a day to read books.  I cry even now, writing this, but I know this is the plan.  It's always been the plan.  You are not mine.  You are only on loan.  I have to keep reminding myself this.  

But I, I am your Mother.  And will always be.

Thank You for making me what I've always wanted to be:  

Your Mother.

"Where did I come from?" the baby asked its mother. She answered, half-crying, half-laughing, and clasping the baby to her breast, "You were hidden in my heart as its desire, my darling. You were in the dolls of my childhood games. In all my hopes and my loves, in my life, in the life of my mother, and in her mother before her, you have lived. In the lap of the eternal spirit you have been nursed and nurtured for ages."
-Indian philosopher and poet, Rabindrandth Tagore

"Hoewee Moewee!"

Yes, that is how we pronounce "Holy Moly!" around here.

It has been far too long since I've written, and really, I have missed it.  I'm not sure if I had blogger's block, or was busy trying to be a really good Mom, or tired, (maybe all 3?) but I'm back and I'm excited about it!

I have a tendency to get real excited about something and then gear up for it in all sorts of ways, and then I become too preoccupied with the excitement itself that the great plan I had just flops.  Perhaps that's what happened here.  I have so many great ideas about my blog, and thoughts or stories to post, and then it fizzles.  Or, maybe I fizzle.

So, I can't promise that I won't be busy or tired or stumped about what to write about again, but I can say that I'll try to not go so long without posting if the above, does in fact, happen again.  :)

..........................Onto more exciting things..............................

Spring is here in WNY, and it is B-U-TEE-FUL!  I remember disliking Spring when I was younger, because it was always so rainy and muddy.  It seemed very dreary.  I wanted to skip past the season, because it really didn't matter much to have this yuck and muck for weeks on end.  Summer needed to come, fast!  

But oh, now I'm older.  And wiser.  I'm 31 now, you know.  And let me tell you, I really enjoy Spring!

It started while I lived in Maryland.  The warm weather, the fresh rains that washed away all of the winter grime, the crisp air that blew the winter stink off of you and out of your house, the cherry blossoms, the buds as they turned into beautiful springtime flowers, full of hope and promise.  Yes, this is when I learned to love Spring.  

Now that I'm back in upstate NY, I don't feel quite as lovingly towards Spring as I did for the past 3 years, since the weather can't make up its' mind and the season starts much later than in the South, but I'll still take it!  I don't love it, but I do like it.  

There is a sense of hope, of promise, in this new season, don't you think?  

We are emerging from the winter season.  A time of rest.  Everything turns inward during winter, to rest for the season.  Days are shorter and nights are longer, the trees are barren, flowers die and recede back into the ground to protect themselves from the cold, animals hibernate, people cuddle up with sweaters and blankets and comfort food, and life seems to march a bit more slowly.

A few long months later, the thaw comes, and we can see the tiniest speck of new life surfacing. Those first few days of warmer air is like a heat wave, and winter coats are shed and windows crack open, just to get a fresh air scent in the house.  For me, when the birds start to sing, is when my excitement comes.  I love waking to their songs, and love seeing robins pecking the ground for worms.  (When my Grandfather died, we found a notebook that he used to jot quick, daily thoughts on.  One of the last things he noted was seeing a large, red-breasted robin in the yard, and he wrote that Spring was 'round the corner.  I can't help but remember my wonderful Grandpa every single time I see a robin.)

Each year, I look around at all of the trees as I drive by, and there is always one specific day where they seem to POP!  A fresh, lime green seems to have colored the tree scape and it is then that I know Spring is officially here.  The old has gone, the new has come!

The sense of newness in Spring doesn't stop with nature.  I sense a newness in me, every season, and I'm pretty sure God intended it to be that way.  Ecclesiastes 3 states:

3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
3:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3:3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
3:5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
3:6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
3:7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
3:8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

There is a time for everything!  I'm thankful that with every season, God refreshes and renews me.  I need it.  Don't we all...

All of this new life is so exciting, but the most exciting thing about Spring for me is that I get to worship the risen Christ on Easter Sunday!  You can't get any more renewed than that!  Talk about newness, about beauty, about hope.  There is no hope greater than Him.  And every year, I get to praise Him not only for who He is and what He did, but for what He has done in and through me.  What a privilege.  

As this Spring season rounds out and makes way for Summer, I am excited about so many things.  

It feels like I have been in winter for far too long, figuratively speaking.  There is only so much transition that one can take before it begins to take its' toll on a person.  I am that person. Having felt like I lost my self on so many levels the past few years, I am finally feeling like I am found again, and found as an entirely new person, at that!  Scary, exciting and wonderful all at the same time.  Yay for the promise of a new season, for the promise of new beginnings!

More to come...

Hold Your Horses!

I'm coming back! 

The Boys

Just wanted to give a brief update of our lives, since I've been slacking on their stats lately!

We'll start with John this time.

John is still a sweet little bundle of joy most all the time. He cries when his big brother messes with him, or when he's hungry and I'm taking too long to get his food to his mouth. That's about it. Well, that, and the occasional fall backwards will set him off. He's generally a happy little guy. He still loves to snuggle and cuddle, which makes many a heart happy here in WNY. Most little guys at 8 months old want to do anything BUT cuddle, so he gets scooped up a lot for a quick snuggle from random people. We don't mind.

Those random people usually give him back after a few minutes because this little snuggler is also a little chunker! I weighed him randomly on my scale yesterday and it read 25 pounds! My scale is also very accurate, mind you. So, he snuggles and I get some serious arm workouts. Not a bad deal.

John has weaned from the breast, which is sad for me. Sad because I know that had I kept up with my fluid intake, he'd still be nursing. This kid loves to suck. He'll take a bottle over food any day. I love to nurse, and don't mind nursing my babies for as long as they want. I had hoped to go longer with John than I did with Jak, and I met that goal by one month. 8 months is not bad, but I just know how beneficial it is for both he and I, and I love the time with just him and I alone. I wrestle a bit with guilt about not drinking enough and therefore not having enough milk for him right now, but then God (gently) slaps me in the face and tells me to move on, in so many words. So I do. Until the next twinge of guilt rears its' ugly head. It's showing up less and less these days, so I must be making some progress.

As far as food goes, he is eating most things except the famed Chicken & Stars jarred dinner. He HATES that stuff. I don't blame him. His favorite things are, aside from milk, fruits and chicken. He seems to be a more picky eater than his bro, but I do think in time he'll round himself out. He's just started to chew well, so he's getting some puffs and cereal bits here and there, along with bread and whatever else is soft that we're eating around here. I love to cook for my family, and making baby food is no exception. In fact, next week I'll have a short tutorial for WFMW, so stay tuned!

Because John wasn't doing so well with textures, I haven't made him anything other than applesauce, until this week. Yesterday, I made some peaches, pears and will do some chicken in the next day or two. I'm eager to see how he likes the chicken. Jak loved it and so I'd usually put it in most of his fruits or veggies to get some protein in him. I'm hoping to do the same for John.

My boy isn't so fond of the sippy cup, and you can see why in a few paragraphs before this. He just loves to suck. Sipping just isn't the same. We're working on it.

At 8 months, John-boy is just about ready to crawl. He desperately tries to pull himself up on things, but has yet to be successful in that regard. He is so heavy, and I think it'll be a while before he can support his weight on his arms alone (as he pulls up to standing). He is scootching backwards and we end up finding him in lots of weird places because of this. He'll scootch under the table or in between chair legs, or under the chairs, and then whines because he can't move and doesn't know how to get out! He'll rock on all fours but hasn't figured out yet how to move those arms and legs at the same time. It'll come. We aren't worried, and we certainly aren't in a rush. We know the work that lies ahead, once they become mobile!!!

I do think that he'd be moving all over the place by now if we'd have let him down on the floor more. Jak is not always aware of John's presence, let alone nice when he is aware, so we've kept the baby up more often than not. And speaking of Jak...well, he and John are best friends. Just ask him! It's the cutest thing when he says, "Gon-boy is my best friennn!!! And once Jak stops squeezing John's cheeks (wonder where he learned that from?!), I'm sure John will agree.

Overall, my baby boy is just a happy little guy. Very content. Very consistent. Very, very cute.

On to Jak:

The little conversationalist that I spend my days with is quite a cheeky little guy. Each day brings something new, and it usually starts with jumping. As he screams for us to come and get him (he refuses to just ASK for Mom or Dad rather than scream), I open the door, and the screaming stops. He says, "Hi Mom. I all done seepin'." I proceed to kiss him, smooth over his silky hair, turn off the sound machine and open the shade, all while he jumps away in his crib. Then, we head to John's room to say Good Morning, and change diapers. Jak usually jumps his way there.

Once diaper duty is done, Jak jumps to the kitchen or living room to start his day. While I make breakfast, the jumping continues on either the couch or the bed, and after a scolding, the jumping resumes on the living room floor, complete with a "I JUMPIN' MOM!" from my little man. Yes, buddy, you are jumpin'...

He loves to eat lately, and will pound away the same size portion that I have, if not more. Growth spurt? Maybe he's trying to ensure that his little brother doesn't surpass him any time soon. His favorites remain: corn, peas, couscous, steak, pretzels and hummus. Let's not forget water. Unlike his Momma, but much like his DaDa, The boy can drink.

We are working on potty training these days and though it's one of those parts of parenting that I thoroughly dislike, I know the end result is coming soon so I keep pressing on. One in diapers will be really nice!

My Jak-man amazes me each day with the words he says and things that he talks about. I wish that I could video each moment with him, to remember it all...he is just so precious. I love every stage and am especially keen on the baby stages, but I'll tell ya, this 2 year old gig is great, except for the tantrums and not listening part, of course.

Jak is so full of wonder and excitement for every little thing, and it's contagious. I never before got so excited to throw laundry down the chute, or throw a ball into a basket!

My heart is truly walking around in the form of a two year old boy, not to mention another chubby-bubby rolling around leaving drool puddles everywhere, and I'm certain that I'll never get it back. And that's OK. I wouldn't want it any. other. way.